Let's Get Real

And the guilt and anxiety continue. They went away for a little bit today, but it’s all back. Way to go. You suck. 

Conquering fears. It feels horrible. The anxiety. Your entire body shaking. Millions of thoughts swirling in your mind. Your stomach in knots. I almost never conquer any fear, always remaining passive. But I did it. I conquered one of my biggest fears today: confrontation. I still feel the nerves going, but it’s done. While I feel guilty for what I did, I know it was right. I will be better in the long run. I will be a stronger person because of this one thing I did. For once I am putting myself first. I taking care of myself, and that is something I never do.   

So today I don’t know how I’m feeling about this whole therapy thing. Yes, it is very necessary that I handle my issues… which apparently are interrelated, but I don’t know if I like how the therapist lady is going at it. Like I feel like we’re always all over the place with my issues. One second we’re talking about the sexual assault, next it’s my anxiety, a second later it’s my inability to focus in class, and then it’s talking to my parents. It just gets really confusing and overwhelming. Then it’s hard because she asks how I’m feeling about everything and to be honest I just don’t always have an opinion about everything (for me I just don’t have an opinion about a lot of stuff). So it gets frustrating when I don’t know how to respond besides “uhhh I don’t know”. I think I just need to get used to talking about my issues and really looking into them. We discovered that a lot of my issues branched off of the sexual assault. And everything I’m feeling is normal. The anxiety, feeling unmotivated, not being in touch with what I’m really feeling. All of it. Something she did say that really  stuck was about how the problem won’t go away, but I can understand it better, and therefore handle it better. 

What we talked about today:

• sexual assault: how a lot of my problems are because of that, including:  anxiety, feeling unmotivated, not being in touch with what I’m really feeling
• how I base my assault recovery off my friend’s: I know you’re not supposed to base your own life off someone else’s, but I just can’t convince myself that I don’t have to recover the same way
• possibly doing the whole “survivors group” thing: no. not yet. if ever.

I was super anxious today and had zero sympathy for anyone else, but registration went super well, even with my shitty registration time. I’m in class a lot, but it works and has to happen.

 I feel like I’m not like some of my friends. Many of them openly talk about their problems and I think it’s great, but I just can’t do that. I feel like a burden, and I see how it stresses them out when multiple people are having issues at the same time. I can’t stand thinking of myself as another burden on the back, so I’ve really considered going to the counseling center. But then I also feel inadequate to go there because I honestly don’t know what is bothering me. Is it the assault still? or not talking to my parents about it like I planned? or just being an anxious person? or self harming? or what? And I guess not being able to figure out how I feel and feeling blank are another reason I should go. I don’t know. It’s just frustrating.

Group hugs make the day better. I was a little upset at the beginning of dance today because I was stressed about classes for next semester and my friends just came up to me and started hugging me. And then I somehow ended up in the middle of this circle of people (with the nice, pretty guy a part of this circle :) ). It just made me feel better knowing people actually care about me.

I also set up a meeting with my dance teacher to talk about life and how I really was trying to participate in her lecture class, but sometimes I get really overwhelmed by emotions that come out of nowhere and literally don’t feel like I can form sentences. After today’s little group hug in dance, I feel safe and somewhat more comfortable talking to my teacher. I just want her to know the truth. I don’t expect anything in return.  

I think I’m gonna talk with my dance teacher about my anxiety/panic issues. I just don’t want her to think that I’m not interested in what she’s teaching in class. Sometimes I just can’t help it. I really want to pay attention, but sometimes I just panic when I have to sit in one place for a long period of time and can’t focus because I’m thinking of how bad I want to leave the room. Sigh. Well I trust her so it shouldn’t be an issue, but now I’m kinda nervous for when this meeting happens.

The more I think about it, the problems is not that I can’t handle things. I don’t know what I want or who I am anymore. That is the problem. I have questioned my identity and my beliefs. Who am I? How do I handle situations? And since I can’t figure it out, I automatically just panic when faced with something that is too much to handle and sometimes for no reason at all. I hate it.

So much anxiety today. It’s kinda ridiculous. I couldn’t even say anything in class because I was so overwhelmed. I struggled just to focus. I don’t think this is normal anxiety. Help… 

I find myself getting panicky and anxious for no reason. I sit in class and I get really tense and cannot focus on anything. I try to sleep and I can’t lay still, my heart beats faster, and thoughts rush. I don’t even know why I get this way. I know I haven’t been sleeping as well as I had been, but I can’t seem to escape these feelings.

Last night (Tuesday night) was bad. Interesting (horrible) dream. I couldn’t hold a steady relationship. And I kept waking up feeling panicky, anxious, and upset multiple times. So I’m a little afraid to sleep now, but it needs to happen tonight. Just have to remember that sometimes it takes setbacks to realize you need to grow (and you can grow). But I still just wish these feelings would go away.

Upset. Anxious. Mad. Frustrated. Self hate. Hollow. Empty. Depressed. That’s everything I’ve been feeling. Not in that order. Not in any order. Just a rush of emotions throughout the day. When I feel like everything is finally okay, these feelings remind me that it isn’t okay yet. I wish someone would comfort me. I’m tired of bad days.

Well then dumbass, why don’t you do anything about it? … Oh yeah because I’m afraid to get help.

I forgot to do the easiest assignment ever (a self evaluation). I got really agitated and I’ve been feeling upset since last night and I was anxious because I had a test in an hour, so I scratched my wrist during the middle of class. And that’s a successful month of not hurting myself down the drain. Oops.

I can’t explain my feelings. All I can say is it feels so overwhelming most of the time. It’s just a pain that takes away sleep, conquers the mind, and refuses to leave. It is emptiness and confusion. And I feel like I can’t ask for help, no matter how much I want it.