The thoughts may subside, but the past will never leave your mind.
That shit sucks. Instant anxiety.
It feels strange when reminders of the past fade away…
When something life-changingly bad happens, it is like a death. Death of what we thought we knew, who we used to be, or what we wanted. We take the corpse and bury it in a coffin, far underground so we can let it be at rest and put an end to this chapter of sadness and pain. What we don’t realize is that placing the body in a wooden box under a pile of dirt doesn’t mean the emotions around it are gone. The shell of the incident is hidden, but your feelings about it don’t disappear with it. They linger. They always will. Life will go on, but this event and those thoughts will still be etched into your life. All you can do is keep trying to heal.
It seems like we’re always in recovery.
It’s hard feeling so happy and sad at the same time. I know I have so much good in my life, but part of me can’t look past the bad. I did well in my classes, my family knows most of my struggles from last year, and there is a guy who likes me and he has potential to be more in my life. I’m really glad I have all these things. I know I doubt my abilities, but I am smart. I feel like I can’t open up to my family, but I know I can and they will understand bits and pieces of it. I feel like no one likes me, but I have a guy who is interested in me and I like him too.
Look at all these good things in my life. I have such a great life and I should be thankful and appreciate every single good part of my existence, but I just can’t. I feel tied down and held back by the past. I’m dying to move forward, but I don’t feel capable of lifting the extra weight. It shouldn’t be like this. The past is in the past. Of course it is always part of us since memories (good and bad) don’t just disappear after they’re over. But then again, they shouldn’t prevent us from being truly happy. A happy that is not tainted by a single sad thought. I want to be happy for days. Right? Is that a thing? When people have multiple good days in a row? I don’t remember. It feels like every day and hour could turn for the worst.
I just want pure happiness. I don’t know how to completely let go of my assault or my depression or my self harm. I don’t know if I even need to let go of it. I just need to tuck it away so it’s not so apparent in my mind. There needs to be more freedom in my head so I’m not just a product of my past, unable to adapt to the changing times. I want to take in new experiences and days with the same openness I used to before this all happened. I just don’t know if that will ever be possible again.
The past haunts us. If not during the day, then at night when we’re asleep. It shows up when everything seems to be going fine. And it’s scary. When the past comes up in a dream, it’s unescapable and it’s never clear as to why it happened and why this reminder happened now. How can we move past the things we hate most, when they never give us a break? I don’t know how, but we do because we have to face the day after every dream, bad or good.
A person can erase their “guilt” for their wrong doings in a matter of seconds, yet you can still see it all so vividly. I know life isn’t fair, but how is that right?
I’m trying my best. Words shouldn’t push me down, but they do. What you say doesn’t make things any easier and completely ignoring the real subject makes it just as hard to get better. But I really am trying my best everyday. Please know that.
Love, Your Daughter
Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time.
—Grey’s Anatomy, “Time Has Come Today”
Wait for yesterday’s scars to disappear. You can’t make them fade any faster. All you can do besides wait is hope nothing bad happens, making new ones form, and that you don’t create any new ones on yourself.
It’s July, but right now I can’t help but think of January. My mind and body; attacked and manipulated. It feels as real as ever. And all I want right now is for tears to fall, but I can’t make that happen. Until I can cry, I will shed dry tears, waiting for the day real ones can come to my eyes instead of just to my mind.
You are safe. You are here right NOW. The past is in the past. I know that sounds obvious, but just remember that always. Live in THIS moment. Things will get better because you will grow stronger. This is not permanent. You are not damaged for life. You’re just beat up a little. And you know what? That’s ok. It is ok to feel weak and vulnerable sometimes. YOU will heal into a stronger, better, and wiser you.
Try not to focus on the “what if”s. What if I did this instead of that? What if I said no sooner? What if I just went along with it? What if I saw the signs? What if I didn’t put myself in that situation in the first place? You can’t change the past.
It’s time to focus on the “what now”. What are you going to do now? What will you do to heal from the past and become a stronger person? You control your present and future.
Keep pushing for better times. It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with. What does matter is it prevents you from enjoying your life. We may struggle for a while, but in the end we can all be ok. Support yourself and support other people. It is hard to always be positive everyday, so if we can’t believe in ourselves, we might as well believe in each other.
I believe in you.
"And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope." - Shake it Out
I should have punched his face… or kicked his crotch. Either one. Then at least he would have suffered brief physical pain for the long lasting emotional pain he caused me.