Let's Get Real

A person can erase their “guilt” for their wrong doings in a matter of seconds, yet you can still see it all so vividly. I know life isn’t fair, but how is that right?

Dear parents,

I’m trying my best. Words shouldn’t push me down, but they do. What you say doesn’t make things any easier and completely ignoring the real subject makes it just as hard to get better. But I really am trying my best everyday. Please know that.

Love, Your Daughter

Wait for yesterday’s scars to disappear. You can’t make them fade any faster. All you can do besides wait is hope nothing bad happens, making new ones form, and that you don’t create any new ones on yourself.

It’s July, but right now I can’t help but think of January. My mind and body; attacked and manipulated. It feels as real as ever. And all I want right now is for tears to fall, but I can’t make that happen. Until I can cry, I will shed dry tears, waiting for the day real ones can come to my eyes instead of just to my mind. 

You are safe. You are here right NOW. The past is in the past. I know that sounds obvious, but just remember that always. Live in THIS moment. Things will get better because you will grow stronger. This is not permanent. You are not damaged for life. You’re just beat up a little. And you know what? That’s ok. It is ok to feel weak and vulnerable sometimes. YOU will heal into a stronger, better, and wiser you.

Try not to focus on the “what if”s. What if I did this instead of that? What if I said no sooner? What if I just went along with it? What if I saw the signs? What if I didn’t put myself in that situation in the first place? You can’t change the past.

It’s time to focus on the “what now”. What are you going to do now? What will you do to heal from the past and become a stronger person? You control your present and future. 

Keep pushing for better times. It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with. What does matter is it prevents you from enjoying your life. We may struggle for a while, but in the end we can all be ok. Support yourself and support other people. It is hard to always be positive everyday, so if we can’t believe in ourselves, we might as well believe in each other.

I believe in you.

“And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope.” - Shake it Out 

I should have punched his face… or kicked his crotch. Either one. Then at least he would have suffered brief physical pain for the long lasting emotional pain he caused me.

The other day, my dad asked me if I could go back to any time in my life, what time would I go to. I didn’t know how to answer it so I said preschool because life was simple and you didn’t have homework, but really of all my school age choices, I have no clue.

Elementary school age was good. I wasn’t the smartest of the bunch, but I wasn’t stupid either. I had a good number of friends at school and according to my file I was always helpful to others and well liked. Kindergarten is when I started dancing and I loved it since. I just wish I would have taken more classes or taken my dancing more seriously at this young age. I think I could have been a better dancer, but hey it’s fine. Still got to dance. k-5 seemed like a pretty good time now that I think about it. Smart school, fun dancing, good times with my loving family. But there is also the down side of my time in elementary school. It was predominantly Asian, so as an Asian, looking back I don’t think I’d want to go back. I think I would feel like just a number instead of an individual. Being in an environment where there is only one race and the people had money (many parents with tech jobs) did not give me an idea of the real world. 

At the time, middle school was good. I had to make all new friends, which sucked since almost everyone I knew went to a few other middle schools while only about 10 of us went to my school. I had my first (and sadly only) boyfriend. I made friends with some of the populars, which seemed awesome to me for a while. Then after I realized all their drama and fakeness I befriended other people, including those in choir with me and some other cool people, but not obnoxiously popular and status obsessed. It was great. I had a decent number of friends and loved them all dearly. Middle school age is when I started competition dancing and learned to love dance more and got told I looked like crap (scared the shit out of me during 8th and 9th grade). But overall, knowing what I know now, I would NEVER EVER return to middle school. Besides dance, there is nothing I would want to re-experience. All the kids at my school had too much drama. People were so focused on being the “coolest” and most popular, which led to lots of talking behind other people’s back. I noticed this even when in middle school, but it just didn’t click that these actions were super immature and pointless.

High school was my first introduction into the real world. While all my friends from middle school went to their rich kid school, I went to what everyone called the “ghetto school”. Everyone from my middle school told me I was going to see lots of gangsters, drugs, and would get shot so that scared me, especially since I had very few acquaintances, and even less people I could call friends on the first day. The first year, I made friends with many of these middle school acquaintances and befriended other kids. Freshman year was the first time I ever had a class where there were less Asians and whites than other ethnicities, mainly Hispanic (a big percent of the school was Hispanic, therefore its “ghetto reputation”). For that year I wished I went to high school with my middle school friends, but progressively felt more comfortable and made more friends. I guess the people I went to middle school with didn’t care as much about me as I did about them since I spent less and less time with them and completely cut ties with them by the beginning of sophomore year (besides being facebook friends). The rest of my years in high school were not bad. I had some friends and I took some challenging classes. That’s it. I mean I didn’t have a lot of friends (never did and probably never will), but for some reason I felt a little out of place when put in classes where I had few or no friends. That was hard, but in high school, especially with dance, I set my standards for myself much higher and worked harder. I became a better dancer; not the best, but I improved a lot. But even at dance (starting in high school), I felt a little out of place too. I didn’t feel like a lot of these people were really my friends, and I discovered these bonds with many of the girls were not close at all. Few of them ever message me on facebook now. Starting in middle school, but also in high school, I lost my connection with my dad. We get along sometimes, yet we also butt heads a lot. My relationship with my mom was as strong as every since we got close through my dancing, but I wish I had the same bond with my father. I now hate thinking that we will never truly get along like we used to when I was little. But overall, high school introduced me to a world outside of the upper class and showed me not everyone could afford the luxuries I took for granted. I learned more about the real world, but I think I grew more out of touch with myself and my peers.

First year of college was ok. I didn’t make many friends and only have some that I consider super close and consistently spent time with. I think a big thing that contributed to my lack of friends was my introverted personality, but also that I don’t party. No drinking, drugs, or random hookups for me. But still, a guy sexually assaulted me. I think going into my next year I will still feel a little out of place and still struggle with my emotions, but I think things will be better. Besides those shitty things, I had wonderful experiences too. I volunteered at a disadvantaged school and loved every minute of it. Not only were the kids wonderful (a little rough and crazy sometimes, but still), but I also gained a much much greater appreciation for my life. I am much more aware of my place in society and realize I have much more than others. I got involved with dance during second semester and I think that really made me more comfortable to be at school since I could do something I loved with a loving, supportive environment where I made many friends. But would I redo this year? I don’t know. It’s too close for me to really tell if it would be worth doing again. Like right now, I don’t think going through the loneliness and shit would be worth it to re-experience my first year of college.

So what’s my consensus? I guess if I had to return to any time in my life, besides pre school, I honestly have no clue. I don’t think I want to go back to any one time for everything in it. I want to go back to elementary school for the wonderful relationship I had with all of my family and for my friendlier personality. I don’t think I want to go back to middle school for anything, except maybe for joining competition team at my studio. I want to go back to high school for the few very good friends I made and for trying to become a person with higher standards. I would go back to my first year of college since I think I became a stronger individual who is more aware of the real world. But to pinpoint one time in my life? Can’t do it. I don’t hate my life. I’m actually happy with my life overall, but I can’t say there was ever a time I would be really happy returning to. Knowing what I know about life and about myself now, returning to any of these times seems pointless. I’m glad they happened, but I don’t think I’d want to return to them.

I don’t know what’s worse: What you did to me when you were here or what you still do to me even when you’re hundreds of miles away